She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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