She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
