im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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