Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
