I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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