You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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