he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
