Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
