This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize