I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
