Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The power of my boobs compel you
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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