She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
