Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
