What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
