Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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