Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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