I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
