I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize