I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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