I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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