The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
