I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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