OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
