I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
