OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
