Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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