My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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