Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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