Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
