The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
