You can't special order awesome
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Two words: blizzard sex
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
