If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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