Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Sober January is a disaster.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize