Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
