1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
