Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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