Umm I'm too high to move.
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize