Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
