Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
