I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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