I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize