I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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