A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
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