hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
