Someone shit on the floor
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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