I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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