I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
