on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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