Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
