So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
