I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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