i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
