I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
