last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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