I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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