My friends, they love my intelligence
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
