Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
